Niffertiti

Two hours of sleep, I know I should nap but I am wired up.

Friday went to the psychologist peoples. Pretty cool doctor. After about one bazillion questions about my life and family history he decided to put me on Aderall. Took my first dose yesterday and wow it is one hell of an upper and I was able to clean my room in about an hour, where normally it takes a few days of picking here or there because I just can't seem to clear my head long enough to get such simple tasks and dusting and organizing finished. The problem is the incessant abdominal pain that has been plaguing me since about five last night. At the moment I ease the pain with a quizno's sub, yay!

Had a pretty good weekend. Didn't really do a damn thing that I would as of late call normal but still good. Marisa is probably upset with me for not being with her all weekend and I truly love the girl but every one needs time apart. Kind of nice to not be around a bunch of raucous partying and idiots that are too loud and obnoxious for my taste. Lately I just have not been able to keep up with peoples party party, needing a nice chill change of pace. May sound weird but I was perfectly content with just having a few guests over last night, having a few drinks and playing cards. Almost makes me feel like an old lady but hey, if its fun who really cares?

The hole left by Frank (yes I named my wisdom tooth frank, don't judge) is healing nicely though the jaw has been aching abit. It seems like the other teeth just don't know what to do now that Frank isn't crowding them up anymore. Heres hoping they shift back abit now that theres room, I really don't want to invest in some kind of invisilign method just for a few crowded teeth but if I have to I will, well, when all of my other insane bills have been paid.

The room is chilly and my blanket looks hella warm so it just may be time for a nap. Some may call this lazy, I call it the luxury or a slow Sunday.

So thanks to an acquaintance reminding me of this lovely website last night I thought maybe I could post something.

Things have been interesting lately. Dan and I are in the land of never again, which really I think I am ok with. This last year had been nothing but me sacrificing all of my feelings and emotions for a person who in all reality most likely did not appreciate the effort. After the last final decision was made he decided to badger me nearly every day until I finally just snapped at him and said that I need my fucking space and friendship, at the moment was not happening. I do not think that is so horrible a request. But I've had his shit here waiting for him to take since November and I want it gone, but due to my manning up he is playing the I can't hear you game... How utterly adult of him.

Just had a wisdom tooth out... that wa loads of friggen fun let me tell you. Really it was... Nitrous is an interesting experience and it really was not all so bad as I thought and Vicodin was a great help. However now a few days later my jaw is really starting to bug me, making me abit cranky.

Today was a long day, tomorrow hopefully will not and there will be an afternoon nap in the cards for me.

Things aren't all bad though and really are slowly looking up for me.I go Friday for an evaluation to get treatment for my ADD so I'm super excited to hopefully have one thing out of the way. All the dental work is almost done and i think my allergies are finally after 5 months getting better yay!!

I swear, I've been happy lately, and that much can be witnessed by my myspace blogs. However, here is where I know that not everyone in the world will see my innermost feelings at this moment.

Someone once told me that I should be more selfish in order to be more selfless.

I've kind of been taking that road lately. I'm actually worrying about my own shit and taking care of myself. Joining the gym, quitting that horrible tooth-rotting caffeinated beverage and going on an all around diet. It has also helped to have someone back me up and keep me straight. Many have stated how well they think I am doing and how proud they are of me, blah blah blah.

I seriously just fucking wolfed down some chocolate in an old fashioned depression fit. Here I am, trying to take a nap because I really got no sleep last night and all I can think about is the things going wrong in my life right now and just started crying again. I hate being this person. I hate that sometimes things that one moment seem almost minute can all of a sudden hit you like a fright train when you realize how significantly your life can change.

Others decisions lately have me absolutely hating the world because I cannot control what others choose and some things truly are so precious that losing them burn a serious hole into your heart. I feel the need to go and apologize, just to try to make things better when I haven't even done a fucking thing wrong in this situation.

I wish for others sakes that things could go back to the way they were, but I am happy with the person I am becoming. I'm turning into a more happy confidant person who is no longer just bending under the will of others and taking a step back and letting people take advantage of me.

I am still there for the ones I love and I hope that the person who is making me feel this way soon remembers how much I was there for them. I love them but I can't just not have a life to please others and stay at home every night being miserable and eating myself into a near diabetic coma. Fuck that.

I don't like to cry anymore, it makes my contacts dry and spots up my glasses. I also abhor being miserable because to me it makes me feel like I am taking a step back, when I should only be going forward.

So yeah..... not only did I almost half a foot off.... I've gone blond.....

Twas a very drastic change for me.

And trust me, a look like this, is going to be hell to maintain....

Ok so I've been putting this off for a few weeks because while i want a change im terrified of making the hair go away, but it is hot, the ends are in horrible shape and its just time for a change.

So toiday i finally made an appointment with the girl that did both mom and kevins hair, they were pleased, so i hope i will be too.

I am taking mom with me so i dont get frustrated and just tell them to cut it all off.... heres hopin

So last night Dan mentions to me that he used to have an LJ and that when things went bad with us he posted in it. What he did not tell me was the the first two entries talked about nothing but how much he loved me and hoped we would be able to work through our issues.

I wish I could find this Dan again. While cynical asshole Dan shows me that he truly sees the cruel reality of this world it saddens me that there almost seems to be no more of that sweet guy I first felt for.

For anyone who has kept up with my life as of late (and I'm sure there are not many people who will read this that do)that Dan and I have started "dating" again. There have been some set backs but obviously there must still be some left over feelings or else we would have just quit talking completely after the said set backs. Id say this has been happening since about April. I started spending some time up at his condo whereabouts I was laid off, and after that I spent a good amount of time there.

We went a few weeks not talking after a pretty large argument that was about the neighborhood that I wanted to try to get serious again and all he was doing was pushing me away. Obviously we got through that.

I've been trying not to pressure him, though at times it is difficult.

I think I may be ready for the next step as they say and he keeps pushing me away, something I fear may lessen my resolve and bring me back to the nervous issues and back to the Jenn who back out after making a statement.

The idea of the serious committed relationship has always been the step I've been afraid to take. I could maybe mention or joke about the prospect of moving in together but always got too nervous to ever really follow through with it.

Not to mention the fact that one minute Dan may talking about our possibilities and then makes some asshole comment about divorces and custody battles, both of which he claims he would rape me in... He says he is joking but obviously doesnt see that this really, really bothers me.


I just hope he moves back to the condo soon so things can calm down and we can have no quality adult time together so that we arent bugged by either his family or my own, so that maybe we can figure something out... sigh

Ok so this is the one journal I have the won't be invaded by the other boy I am dating so I posty here and hope for some insight.

Many of my friends who have known me a long time know my need and desire that I usually have for that boy love thing. In the last year or so however it seems I have done a complete 180.

I don't care anymore. Any man I date ends up miserable because I end up not being able to stand them anymore and break their tiny little hearts. It sounds mean, and I do not like to hurt people, but something inside of me was so severely damaged by the assholes that kept breaking my heart so I grew cold inside.

Brandon is a very nice guy but he and I are in two very different places. I want to forge on with my life, move in with someone do that whole married and have at least one kid before I'm 30 and he is just getting himself into college and his parents support him. Not to mention that he can't go five second without touching me in some small way and has this way of making unintentional asinine comments that make me wish I could get away with murder. But even through all of my frustrations I can't bring myself to tell hi8m this and hurt his feelings.... even though you'd think he would have gotten the hint from my angry attitude towards him as of late.

Sigh

Also, for the past few months I have been seeing Dan again, nothing serious but we have begun the dating tango anew. As much as I hated him back then I almost seem to like the cynical asshole he has become... I truly am a weirdo. I can spent time with him and still want to be near him now and the couch cuddling has become a favorite of mine. I guess I realized I like a guy to have some cush to him, it makes for good snuggling. We might go away for a weekend soon... I think not soon enough.

Anywho, the car is now fixed, I have means to get about once more, woot woot.

Work is going ok I guess.

My life is a mess but for the moment I am contentish.

Well.... back to work, doing the fun collections stuff, making people give us money.

The birthday was eventful. I didn't quite realize just how many people love me. It was a good reminder.

So yeah. The party was a blast. Lets see, We had more food and alcohol than Jesus... and four cakes.. Yeah thats right, four fucking cakes. Two are now living in my freezer, awaiting a good occasion. I ran around like an idiot as usual, cleaning up the empties and all other trash being left about, making sure that my life the next morning would be as easy as possible.

Anywho, now for the bad. The car has been broken down about two weeks now. We tried putting a new distributer in this morning, that was a bust, so now we are still trying to figure out what the jibby is wrong with it,

The last week or so I have also been feeling very erratic and moody. I'd say my moods haven't been too horrible lately, in fact I've been feeling good, mood wise. I'm going to chalk my bitchiness to my knees acting up, my shoulder hurting for some strange reason (I actually thought it was out of joint for a day or two, but couldn't even fathom how I'd have done that) and the fact that I haven't had any damn alone time to myself in almost two weeks. I've been severely moody and just snapping at everyone around me. Therefore I've decided I'm just going to try to take a break this week and catch up on Jenn time, considering all of my time as of late has been spent with friends, family or up in Frederick spending time with Dan.

Sigh.... I need a vacation.

Bahamas anyone?

So I feel pathetic. I realized that today is thursday and I have absolutely no plans for the weekend. I don't see how I got to this point of pulling away from being social that all of a sudden I have gone from constantly being pulled into 15 million directions to not having one single plan for an entire weekend..... It makes me slightly sad but then again, I was the one who complained that I never had any time to myself...

Anyway, if anyone is up for anything this weekend give me a call 443-340-4997, I'm open to suggestions

I find myself in a strange place lately. I can imagine its alittle bit like wisconsin... but I'm not really sure.

So I like kind of quit smoking on the 28th of last month, due to a lovely and devastating illness... Really it was both ears infected (couldnt hear out of the right one) sinus cavities were infected (couldnt breathe) my lymph nodes were swollen and my tonsils were a wreck....I was one very unhappy unhealthy Jenn. Still now I am feeling just abit gross, my balance having not yet completely recovered but the whole not smoking thing I think has greatly helped in my recovery.

So yeah... I smell good, I don't cough up the big yuckies and I just have more energy. And luckily for me... which is surprising to most, I am not the cranky bitchy stabby person most people are when they quit smoking. I may pout when others are, because I miss the habit of having something to do but really it was all a motion habit not a chemical addiction, huzzah for me.

Gum, lots of gum, and chap stick.... oooh with the chap stick. but I shall persevere, one way or another.

Now, I just need to figure out as way to not overeat so I can also accomplish the losing weight goal that I so desperately wish to get to... yippee.

Also, my mental state seems strangely "I don't give a fuck". It bothers even me kind of. Lately I've had a few people trying with the dating and the liking me and I am just like emotionless....

I guess this is a great step for me, coming from the girl who used to want nothing more than to be in a relationship, whether or not it actually just worked, just so I wouldnt be alone to this person who is so utterly picky that I'm almost afraid that even if I do find the good guy, I may just look him over and not notice... its a scary thought.

Anywho... trying not to be hungover... I guess when you don't really drink much you shouldnt drink three mixed drinks and a bottle of wine.. oops..

Time to start straightening the room, this lack of cleanliness from being sick is driving me mad

The niffer has spoken